When parents (in Bowlby’s experiments this was primarily referring to the mother) are simply not available, physically or emotionally, or is willing but not able to be there (illness, death), or when the caregivers use insenstive, embarrassing, or sarcastic language, injuries to the the child’s ability to attach and form relationships can occur.
In the avoidant style of relating, the child learns that he can’t depend on parents for a safe harbor. The child then develops a “survival” style of relating and develops self-talk that goes something like this:
I am capable of love, but others are not able to love me. I am worthy based only on my accomplishments. I depend on my own self and abilities in order to succeed. Others are unwilling or unable to love me. I must rely on self. Others are not trustworthy, others are unreliable.
You can easily see that if one develops this framework of thinking, it will be devastating to relationships. How can I relate to people when I have a deep mistrust of everyone?
If you recognize these traits and style of relating in your own life, you can re-frame to tell yourself the truth. The truth is that “I couldn’t rely on my parents at times however, I can trust some people. Everyone is not like my parents. I am worthy in God’s eyes regardless of my accomplishments. I will depend on God to provide direction and assistance. I can trust God. I may not have been able to trust or rely on my parent(s) but I can rely on God.
Often this framework of thinking has been in place for a number of years. Reframing may be difficult and require intense practice, but the truth is….you can do it.
This attachment series has such great information!