The second form of insecure relationship is called the ambivalent attachment because it’s a mixture of desiring love weighed against anger. This style may develop when the child is unable to receive love and attention on a consistent basis from the caregiver. The child develops a framework of thinking that then carrys over into adulthood that says;
I am not worthy of love. I am not capable of getting the love I need without being angry and clingy. Others are capabale of loving me but might not do so because of my flaws. They might abandon me. I am poor at getting the love I need and I must please my loved ones or I will be worthless and unlovable.
The ambivalent attachment style often leads to unhealthy dependent relationships on others. The framework of thinking that leads to dependency goes something like this;
I am incompetent. I struggle to handle things on my own. I need strong protection. The world is cold and dangerous. I am flawed and on one could like me. Every failure verifies I am flawed. When someone rejects me, it proves I am flawed.
Know someone like this? It’s important to re-frame our thinking and realize that we are competent and we everyone has flaws. Failures do not confirm a flaw. It simply means that we have to try again. It also means that this is not something inherently wrong with us but rather signals that we may have had one or more parents that were inconsistent in “being there” when we cried out for a safe harbor. That’s not your fault. It was something you needed as a child and didn’t receive.
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