Posts Tagged "Self-Talk"

I first met Jack (not his real name) several months ago.  He had been referred to me because of his struggle with addictions and extreme anger. Practically homeless, he was in his early 50’s yet looked like he was in his late 60’s.  The substance abuse had clearly taken it’s toll in very visible ways.  I didn’t know Jack, I had never met him prior to his visit, but as his story unfolded, I began to connect the dots and realized I did know some of his family members. This was quite a surprise to me and I clearly remember the precise session that I realized my connection to his children. I won’t belabor Jack’s story.  It’s a familiar one for those who struggle with substance abuse.  He was in and out of therapy, attempting to maintain sobriety...

Yoruba Proverb Human beings are creatures of habit.  We do what we know, what is comfortable and what we ‘think” will work.  There are, however, those occasions when “our” way is not “the” way to get us to the goal.  When your way doesn’t work, don’t be disheartened.  You must be willing to try another way.  Don’t be discouraged when someone says, “no.”  Be willing to ask someone else.  Always be willing to start at the bottom.  Being willing does not mean you will stay there.  A closed door does not mean you have been cut off permanently.  It is a challenge, an obstacle, a tool to be used.  The keys to all doors are within you.  If you have faith in yourself, practice and patience will...

For example, the rule we have about “cars should not ever pull out in front of us” is our rule, our rule only, and not anyone else’s rule.  Sure, it makes sense; it would be nice if people always displayed courteous and safe driving habits. But the truth is, sometimes people will pull out in front of me.  The truth is, sometimes I make mistakes.  I am not perfect.  Others are not perfect.  So how do we avoid the anger?   We need to re-frame the irrational rules developed and replace them with rational and true thinking patterns. Learn to recognize rules that cause you trouble. Usually the rules we have adopted start with “I must always” or “I should,” “You must always,” “You should.”  For example, “I must be in control of...

Ever experience what is referred to as “road rage?” You know, someone pulls out in front of you on the road then slows to a crawling 35 mph in a 50 mph speed zone and you suddenly have the urge to pull up beside them and make obscene gestures with your hands or fingers. Or you decide to pull up as close as you can to their rear bumper and flash your headlights.  This is a good example of unhealthy anger that boils up when one of our rules are broken.  We all have rules about life, ourselves and others.  We have rules about how others should treat us. Rules about being on time, being accepted and how our children should behave. We have rules about how other children should behave. We establish our rules about  “knowing,” or being in control of...

Ever experience fear or anxiety when meeting new people or in social settings?  We’ve probably all felt some tension at one time or the other.  Where does this fear originate?  Multiple sources of evidence suggest that problematic social anxiety is directly related to our attempts to hide aspects of our “self” from others.  We might be telling our self that “If you really knew (_____ ) about me, you would reject me.”  We try and avoid scrutiny at times to avoid negative evaluation.  But more recent research seems to indicate that it’s not just the fear of negative evaluation by others but more related to the degree to which we BELIEVE the negative evaluation is true.  Do we believe the negative evaluation being conducted...