Ever experience fear or anxiety when meeting new people or in social settings? We’ve probably all felt some tension at one time or the other. Where does this fear originate? Multiple sources of evidence suggest that problematic social anxiety is directly related to our attempts to hide aspects of our “self” from others. We might be telling our self that “If you really knew (_____ ) about me, you would reject me.” We try and avoid scrutiny at times to avoid negative evaluation. But more recent research seems to indicate that it’s not just the fear of negative evaluation by others but more related to the degree to which we BELIEVE the negative evaluation is true. Do we believe the negative evaluation being conducted by another person toward us is justified? Do we believe that this negative evaluation is an accurate estimation of our personal properties?
Social anxiety along with the fear of negative evaluation can be detrimental to our interpersonal relationships not only with those we are meeting for the first time, but also with our spouse or significant others. Excessive attempts to hide self whether consciously or subconsciously often prevent the emotional and spiritual intimacy that is vital to a successful marriage relationship. This is often manifested as the inability or unwillingness to express opinions and diminished spontaneity.
This system of beliefs is associated with self talk that goes something like this: “Based on my experience, if people really knew me, they would reject me; Therefore, I will attempt to hide my true self and avoid scrutiny.”
So what is the solution? Tell yourself the truth about negative evaluation. The truth is that sometimes others may have a negative evaluation of us. The truth is that MOST of time MOST people are accepting and are not engaged in negative evaluation of us. The truth is even if they do engage in negative evaluation of us it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s justified or true. We can learn to view ourselves as unique creations of God with our own flaws, our own quirks and come to realize everyone doesn’t always have to approve of us. It’s OK. Learn to tell your self that “it’s ok.”
If you have additional questions or thoughts about this topic, drop me a line rwcreasy@gmail.com
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