For example, the rule we have about “cars should not ever pull out in front of us” is our rule, our rule only, and not anyone else’s rule. Sure, it makes sense; it would be nice if people always displayed courteous and safe driving habits. But the truth is, sometimes people will pull out in front of me. The truth is, sometimes I make mistakes. I am not perfect. Others are not perfect. So how do we avoid the anger? We need to re-frame the irrational rules developed and replace them with rational and true thinking patterns. Learn to recognize rules that cause you trouble. Usually the rules we have adopted start with “I must always” or “I should,” “You must always,” “You should.” For example, “I must be in control of ……” These “must” and “should” statements will need to be re-framed using more rational language. A better way to re-frame is to use statements like, “I’d like for you to….” Or “I’d like to always do this, however, sometimes I might not……..” “I’d like to minimize my mistakes, however, sometimes I’m going to make mistakes, and it’s OK.” “Sometimes I’m not going to in control and it’s OK.” “Sometimes kids are going to mess up the house and it’s OK.” Re-framing is not always easy. These thoughts and rules are often involuntary even after a person resolves not to have them. After all, it took a life time of structuring and framing our individual thinking patterns. Studies show that there are actual physiological pathways mapped according to our thinking patterns. These can only be re-framed and re-structured by practicing “re-thinking” and re-framing using the true and rational thoughts. Sometimes the practice and re-framing requires intense, intentional, efforts. But it can be done. We need to first recognize and observe what our “self-talk” is, step back, and critically look at our thoughts. Are they rooted in truth? Is there evidence to support our thinking? Often, we draw conclusions from situations, events or experiences where there is no evidence to support the conclusion. Learn to judge your thoughts in terms or their rational basis. Are there distortions? This is the hallmark of Aaron Beck’s cognitive behavior therapy model that has been used for years with considerable success marked by many clinical studies. Prayer can also be a key factor in re-framing our thinking. If you have additional questions or concerns about how to re-frame, you can e mail me a rwcreasy@gmail.com
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