Self-Talk

For example, the rule we have about “cars should not ever pull out in front of us” is our rule, our rule only, and not anyone else’s rule.  Sure, it makes sense; it would be nice if people always displayed courteous and safe driving habits. But the truth is, sometimes people will pull out in front of me.  The truth is, sometimes I make mistakes.  I am not perfect.  Others are not perfect.  So how do we avoid the anger?   We need to re-frame the irrational rules developed and replace them with rational and true thinking patterns. Learn to recognize rules that cause you trouble. Usually the rules we have adopted start with “I must always” or “I should,” “You must always,” “You should.”  For example, “I must be in control of...

Ever experience what is referred to as “road rage?” You know, someone pulls out in front of you on the road then slows to a crawling 35 mph in a 50 mph speed zone and you suddenly have the urge to pull up beside them and make obscene gestures with your hands or fingers. Or you decide to pull up as close as you can to their rear bumper and flash your headlights.  This is a good example of unhealthy anger that boils up when one of our rules are broken.  We all have rules about life, ourselves and others.  We have rules about how others should treat us. Rules about being on time, being accepted and how our children should behave. We have rules about how other children should behave. We establish our rules about  “knowing,” or being in control of...

Ever experience fear or anxiety when meeting new people or in social settings?  We’ve probably all felt some tension at one time or the other.  Where does this fear originate?  Multiple sources of evidence suggest that problematic social anxiety is directly related to our attempts to hide aspects of our “self” from others.  We might be telling our self that “If you really knew (_____ ) about me, you would reject me.”  We try and avoid scrutiny at times to avoid negative evaluation.  But more recent research seems to indicate that it’s not just the fear of negative evaluation by others but more related to the degree to which we BELIEVE the negative evaluation is true.  Do we believe the negative evaluation being conducted...

A challenge that I encounter with practically all of my clients deals with “feelings.”  Sometimes it’s used as an excuse for poor responses or behavior.  “But I feel hurt.”  “I just can’t help it, it’s the way I feel.”  Our feelings always result from our thoughts.  We tell our self something which then stimulates the “feeling.”  Emotions are not all powerful.  They seem very strong and can be ingrained over time making them difficult to manage, but we can manage our emotions by becoming aware of our self-talk and telling our self the truth about situations. Feelings often prevent us from looking at our self honestly and identifying our own faults.  Feelings often divert our attention to the...

If you know me and most of you do, you’re well versed in my mantra of  “what are you telling yourself?” and “Is this true?”  In order to move forward with emotional happiness and stability in life, we must be willing to live in the present.  We must be willing to re-frame the narrative we have each created for ourselves.  This narrative is our story and it’s only our story.  It’s not our mother’s, father’s, friend’s, boyfriend’s, husband’s, wife’s, or anyone else’s, it’s our personal story that we have created and scripted.  This means that only you can change your story.  No one, absolutely no one, can do that for you.  We create this story (remember it’s our...

What do we tell ourselves about resolving conflict?  Often what I find is people tell themselves that “if I avoid the conflict, things will heal on their own.” “If I give it some more time, it will go away.”  This is avoidance and avoidance will not resolve the problem.  It may seem more comfortable for the time being, but ultimately results in prolonged emotional distress and issues.  Other forms of conflict resolution include competing, accommodating, collaborating, and compromising. Competing is a power oriented mode in which the individual pursues his or her personal concerns at the others expense using whatever power seems appropriate to win their position.  This may include threats, warnings, and other uncooperative stances.  In other words,...